WHY?

Finally after so many months I felt happy that I had friends by my side. People I could share anythings with, people around whom I felt happy. One of them was Nishita. One gem of a person, so simple yet glamorous in her own ways. Her b'day falls on the 10th of May. She once told me for her this day is the biggest day the year, but unfortunately this year she is not as excited about it. Coz not many of her friends are with her in Delhi, so I decided to make this B'day special for her. I asked all her friends to make video for her and send it to me so that I can compile than and then show it to her. I made plans to visit her in Delhi and give her a surprise.

The visit was very important for me, so inspite of obstacles like not getting tickets, food posioning et al I managed to reach Delhi, only because I wanted to give a suprise to the person who supported me at all times.

So finally I reached to her treat where she was with her friends, instead of being surprised she got shocked to see me. But its ok, its very natural.But during the course of being with her I felt she was not so happy with me turning up and I was feeling ignored. So after reaching at Shrey's place I decided to leave for Indore the very next morning. I left Delhi, the place I had so much memories attached and went home.

but she ignored me, and is continuing to ignore me till date, i cant understand why? What wrong I did....

Again I am facing the question, what did I do to see all this. Why cannot I find happiness.... why do people start hating me after some time. I guess there is something wrong with me only.

How 365 days changed

365 days back I was so happy with my achievements, It felt like the world was mine. The future seemed so bright. I gave my 100% in achieving what was in front of me. I got what I wanted.

Then I left my friends, family, loved ones and embarked on a new journey feeling confident, happy and excited. The new world seemed so nice, made new friends, met so many varied people. Life was till then also a bed of roses. Everything was picture perfect. Smoothly sailed through the first chapter of my new life.

Then as the saying goes " What goes up always has to come down" .... I fell... fell straight on my face. Both figuratively and literally. Then the whole life took a U-turn. Failure started knocking my doors. One after other I faced failure, but I dint lose hope. Thought I still have people ( read friends) by my side. But then the last ray of hope was also overshadowed by darkness. And suddenly I lost all of them. One by one all strand of relationships started breaking.

I was left all alone. But still held myself saying "its just a bad phase.. will pass soon", thought will go home and all will be alright. But when I reached back home got the greatest shock of my life. The person I loved the most in my life was suffering from "Cancer" , my whole confidence in life shook. It was like I felt everything is coming to an end. My health also started detoriating with kidney stones and what not.

Mom was strong but I just couldn't see her like that. So again tried to run away from home, thinking college would be better. I turned 22, was happy about it that finally I am now an adult. Thought since could not celebrate B'day at home will get to celebrate it in GIM style.

Since the time I came to GIM made numerous videos, enjoyed making them. Was a good way to display my till now hidden creativity. But seems nobody even remembered my Big day. Waited everynight for my b'day video. Everybody in GIM awaits for his video. This is one day everybody is made feel special. People spank him, smash cake on him, but also give their wishes. But nothing of that sort happened to me.

Seems I have lost it, finally after so many years of standing strong I have given up. Giving up was never in my nature, I always fought with circumstances. but this time I am defeated by situations, people.

I am still waiting for my hope of ray, the silver line in the dark clouds.

Everybody around me is so happy, so joyful. But why is it not that I can share the joy.

Even the short moments of laughter are fake, they come and go .. but dont stay. I am just afraid I dont break down.

I have always been a person who cries easily, but never have cried while smiling, nowadays I smile on my condition and then sob on it. This I think is the most dangerous thing. I still cannot make out what I am going through.

I suddenly get lost in a crowd. This has never happened to me. What has changed???

My Ex-pectations

28th July
11:55 PM

Hi Blog,

Seeing u after a long time. Well was busy with exams n stuff n there were ppl to talk (sorry to say).
So aaj was one day i wont forget, firstly went out 4 a date with a girl whome i found really attracting n nice.

secondly : the date turned out to be totally disaster!!

yaar pata nahi i am feling hollow frm inside.it was the first time i talked with her still after i came home i was kinda sad,confused. how did she effect me so much.

all was going well had a good talk but suddenly i felt i am in a wrong place.

Yaar i hv accpetted i am no stud or dude. i even dont have a sense of humor like ppl......

may be i am not fit into places.

CAT is scaring me.. getting weird dreams daily.

GOD i pry give me strength,

Good Night

FRY-day!!!!!

19th , April '08
11:55 PM

Hi Blog,
Finally the last day of the college 4 this week..... aaj i managed to reach the stop on time but 10 no picked us up!!!! reached college n found that gumti was closed... so no fags today!!! got utterly bored in the college today....was wandering alone.... n the sun was too hot...... so reached bak @ 4 n i n "d" decided to meet @ la cafe..... to my surprise a rp of 10 juniors were already there....hehe..... so "d" came n my god she was looking gorgeous...... god i just fell 4 her.... so we sat there till 7... n then decided to take a ride again.... so we set out on bypass.... she insisted to drive but she coudnt.... we were enjoying the cool wind n today both of us were calm n dint talk much......just enjoyed the closeness..... then reached bak home @ 9... went to 2 marriages...met arjun n some class mates there.... now bak home n surfin net.... weeks gonna end n this week was fantastic.......

n "d" i loved ur dress... it did tempt me.....

n yes one more achievement i dint have even a single fag the whole day.... so feeling good

Good Night

Summer's killing me!!!!

17th, April, '08
11:49 PM

Hi Blog,
Heat is killing me.....baap re kitni garmi ho gayi hai!!!!! well got up late as usual......in the orning was having acidity due to the non-veg n vodka....had medicine n left home n again missed the bus so sat frm palasia....... reached college n got a good news that the submission has been postponed till Monday.... so was happy coz had too much to complete....then went to gumti n when i was about to light the fag i noticed some red drops on the shoes n realised that my nose was bleeding due to the heat..... then after some rest had lunch n ghume idhar udhar college mein.... then had presentation @ 3 so went there n my bad luck aaj mera chance nahi aaya......

lab mein was getting bored to hacked shruti's phone...... hehe bechari pareshan hai mujh se...

n han aaj library mein rohan ki maze liye the "k" ke naam se to sunka hua tha.....to @ 5 he came in my bus so was teasing me all through coz he knew "a" is siting.....

me n "d" decided to go to a movie in the evening so i called up but her phone was not reachable....finally could contact her @ 6:30 so we decided to go 4 a ride as there were no shows.....

we left @ 7 n took the bypass.... it was n nice ride....peaceful.... the air was also cool.... we were close enuf.... then i decided to go to "wanna puff" above my college....when we reached medi-caps i went inside to show her my college....then near girls hostel met ruchika...... had a chat with her 4 some time....then as i was abt to leave rahul sir came out of his house... n then to bhaisaab total maar li sir.....

then after college we went to wanna puff... had a nice time there.... she really liked the place.... then we set 4 our return @ 8:30....on our way bak we talked a lot.... but i did commit a mistake..... i am sorry....neways we reached home @ 9:15......

to tell u frankly i am feeling so happy n close to "d"...... it just feels gr8.... n i really feel bad 4 wat i did......i wish i could undo it or go bak into time...... plz try to forgive me....

so came bak home had a chat had dinner talked to mom abt day's happening.....

n now going to have some phone conversation

Good night!!!!

Holi-day

16th April , '08
11:57 PM

Hi Blog,
Another Usual day.....today college was off due to Indore bandh.... so was layzing around till late....woke up @ noon.... had to go to shilpa's place 4 the ppt n file...... till 2 i was just wandering here n there..... then went to bathe.... n went to nirav's place took file n gave it to "d" .... she being so nice n sweet made me diagrams....n i being such a dog made her angry..... sorry ..... such a sweet person...... then spent the afternoon making the ppt n in the evening went to nirav's place n completed the file...... then came bak @ home n got ready 4 some party....party mein met manit ,.... had some vodka....enjoyed the food n chicks......

just came bak home........ edited the ppt n now talking to "d"........

kal its gonna be a tiring day as i have to write file n give presentation so wish me luck....cya tomorrow...

Good Night

Happy Happy

15th, April '08
11:58 PM

Hi Blog,
U wont believe what happened..... after talking to u last night i went to sleep.....then at around 12:30 'D' called up n said " SHREYE I THINK THIS IS NOT GONNA WORK"...... n frankly i was shocked.... i thought why does it has always to happen to me... i was so happy after yesterday evenings events n now she calls up n says...... so we started talking n i convinced her.......she was saying that her friend is telling her this n she doesnt want to break his heart...... i was not ready to give up now..... so i practically marketed myself n made my point n tried to convince her..... we talked till 5AM n in the end i convinced her coz i was too afraid to hang up ...... so after i was sure things r fine i slept.....woke up @ 9 n as usual missed my bus so took another bus....... went to college n wasted the day ...... then after making a lame excuse in class went to meet shrey n told that me n "D" r bak again... he was kinda surprised (shocked i suppose).... but i told him his mistake n he accepted it... i was happy...... so then i went to attend the lab n went bak home @ 5......

then went to nirav's place had few fags n left 4 the class..... when we reached the class we came to know we're 1 hr late so we went to TI n i called "d" there.... shrey left soon n i n d hanged out 4 an hour...... then came bak home.... had dinner....went to terrace as mom n dad had gone..... had few fags talked over the phone sang some songs... n now was talking to "d" when realised i almost missed u!!!!!!! n han aaj rohan ki kafi maze liye!!!! shayad wo AP kha ke baitha hai!!!

n suprisingly shrey messaged "d" n apologised....... funnny bahut formal banda hai!!!!!

chal now another good day.......

g2g bak to phone :D

Good Night