WHY?

Finally after so many months I felt happy that I had friends by my side. People I could share anythings with, people around whom I felt happy. One of them was Nishita. One gem of a person, so simple yet glamorous in her own ways. Her b'day falls on the 10th of May. She once told me for her this day is the biggest day the year, but unfortunately this year she is not as excited about it. Coz not many of her friends are with her in Delhi, so I decided to make this B'day special for her. I asked all her friends to make video for her and send it to me so that I can compile than and then show it to her. I made plans to visit her in Delhi and give her a surprise.

The visit was very important for me, so inspite of obstacles like not getting tickets, food posioning et al I managed to reach Delhi, only because I wanted to give a suprise to the person who supported me at all times.

So finally I reached to her treat where she was with her friends, instead of being surprised she got shocked to see me. But its ok, its very natural.But during the course of being with her I felt she was not so happy with me turning up and I was feeling ignored. So after reaching at Shrey's place I decided to leave for Indore the very next morning. I left Delhi, the place I had so much memories attached and went home.

but she ignored me, and is continuing to ignore me till date, i cant understand why? What wrong I did....

Again I am facing the question, what did I do to see all this. Why cannot I find happiness.... why do people start hating me after some time. I guess there is something wrong with me only.

How 365 days changed

365 days back I was so happy with my achievements, It felt like the world was mine. The future seemed so bright. I gave my 100% in achieving what was in front of me. I got what I wanted.

Then I left my friends, family, loved ones and embarked on a new journey feeling confident, happy and excited. The new world seemed so nice, made new friends, met so many varied people. Life was till then also a bed of roses. Everything was picture perfect. Smoothly sailed through the first chapter of my new life.

Then as the saying goes " What goes up always has to come down" .... I fell... fell straight on my face. Both figuratively and literally. Then the whole life took a U-turn. Failure started knocking my doors. One after other I faced failure, but I dint lose hope. Thought I still have people ( read friends) by my side. But then the last ray of hope was also overshadowed by darkness. And suddenly I lost all of them. One by one all strand of relationships started breaking.

I was left all alone. But still held myself saying "its just a bad phase.. will pass soon", thought will go home and all will be alright. But when I reached back home got the greatest shock of my life. The person I loved the most in my life was suffering from "Cancer" , my whole confidence in life shook. It was like I felt everything is coming to an end. My health also started detoriating with kidney stones and what not.

Mom was strong but I just couldn't see her like that. So again tried to run away from home, thinking college would be better. I turned 22, was happy about it that finally I am now an adult. Thought since could not celebrate B'day at home will get to celebrate it in GIM style.

Since the time I came to GIM made numerous videos, enjoyed making them. Was a good way to display my till now hidden creativity. But seems nobody even remembered my Big day. Waited everynight for my b'day video. Everybody in GIM awaits for his video. This is one day everybody is made feel special. People spank him, smash cake on him, but also give their wishes. But nothing of that sort happened to me.

Seems I have lost it, finally after so many years of standing strong I have given up. Giving up was never in my nature, I always fought with circumstances. but this time I am defeated by situations, people.

I am still waiting for my hope of ray, the silver line in the dark clouds.

Everybody around me is so happy, so joyful. But why is it not that I can share the joy.

Even the short moments of laughter are fake, they come and go .. but dont stay. I am just afraid I dont break down.

I have always been a person who cries easily, but never have cried while smiling, nowadays I smile on my condition and then sob on it. This I think is the most dangerous thing. I still cannot make out what I am going through.

I suddenly get lost in a crowd. This has never happened to me. What has changed???